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ISA STEP THREE: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Higher Power of our own understanding.”
I had tried for several years prior to the discovery of infidelity/ sex addiction to find a couple’s therapist whom I felt comfortable and safe with. My husband’s abusive, controlling and unpredictable behavior had been declining for quite some time. I had searched out my part over and over again, never succeeding in being able to convince him that things at home were “normal” for homeschooling and it was normal for me to be exhausted at this stage in life. He disagreed and blamed me for the decline in our relationship, always complaining that I was too tired to be available for him emotionally, physically and sexually. It was all my fault. Each therapist that I researched, and we visited, ended up siding with my husband in agreement that I was the problem: I had anxiety and needed medication, or I should be able to wind down from the day with him, giving him a back scratch and listening to him dump all of his stress from the day on me without anything in return. He abdicated the child-rearing, discipline, education finances, household responsibilities to me while he traveled out of town on business. Then did nothing to help when he came home but expected me to be at his beck and call. He had sucked me dry of everything and was still complaining that I couldn’t give him enough. I was at my wit’s end when the discovery of infidelity happened. I was utterly aghast! Blindsided, disbelief, rage, immense pain, and anguish…I just couldn’t bear it!
You see, in my rigid religious family growing up, there was no such thing as a loving Higher Power. There were rules and rituals to follow, and if we screwed up, we were in trouble. We had a belief in God (confusing that with faith) but had to do everything else on our own (control the outcome) according to our beliefs in what WE thought our God would approve of. Control instead of faith.
The pain and trauma caused by the discovery of sexual betrayal caused my safety-seeking behavior to consist of tracking my husband, breaking into and reading texts and emails, checking bank accounts, and stealing my husband’s phone when he passed out from drunkenness to download and read deleted messages. I spent countless hours poring over his information while at the same time, neglecting myself and my children, whom I was supposed to be homeschooling. I got physically sicker and sicker. My default childhood God had kicked in and I found myself trying desperately to get every detail of his acting out on my own! If I could get the info, I could figure out was had gone wrong, and what my part in it was so that I could fix it. Then I would be able to fix the relationship and the mess I had found myself in. I was in full-blown control mode. The more I found, the worse I felt. Eventually, my husband bottomed out for the first time and ended up in treatment for alcohol. Not having come up with any solutions in my quest to control the outcome, I finally begged my Higher Power for help. I told Him I would surrender to whatever He placed in my path because all my past attempts were futile and only enraged my husband. I called his therapist at the treatment facility and requested a referral for a couples’ counselor specializing in addiction. When I was given a CSAT therapist (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), I was confused. I knew nothing about sex addiction! When she referred me to her “Partners of Sex Addicts group therapy,” I was at a loss for words, but I followed the recommendation because I had surrendered to my Higher Power. Nothing I had tried worked…I had nothing left to lose.
I joined ISA and the world of recovery from betrayal trauma opened up to me…a whole world I had known nothing about and couldn’t have found on my own at that time. My Higher Power had stepped in when I surrendered in faith to something I could not see! I was given a way out, hope for a better life, and many compassionate wise sisters to walk this journey with! For that, I am truly grateful!
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