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STEP TEN of ISA (Infidelity Survivors Anonymous): Continued to take personal inventory. When we were wrong, we promptly admitted it.
Step Ten is the Step in which our transformation takes place! How exciting! Assessing our attitudes and actions, our beliefs and behaviors on a regular/daily basis is the tool and the Step that can help us grow into the best version of ourselves.
UNCOVER, DISCOVER AND DISCARD – a popular phrase from 12-Step groups
In Step Four, we became aware of our internal beliefs and our external reactions to the traumatic discovery of our primary partner’s compulsive sexual behavior. We uncovered the unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that had contributed to our lives becoming unmanageable. For most of us, that was a heavy Step to process because it meant looking at the parts of us that we felt a lot of guilt, shame, remorse, or regret over.We discovered that there was reason for our safety-seeking behavior, that it had been a result of our betrayal trauma; we were seeking safety in unsafe situations. Sharing it with other safe people in ISA helped us come up out of our shame, realizing we were not the only one who had acted in such ways. It also meant releasing those beliefs and attitudes that did not belong to us. If we took on shame for our partner’s behavior and/or addiction, we were able to recognize that it was not our responsibility and let go of it.
This self-awareness that was brought forth in our inventories was the foundation for change within ourselves and our situations. Not only did we develop the humility to see ourselves for who we really were or had become, but we were able to practice self-compassion when we felt like we should judge ourselves harshly. We became vulnerable enough to share these shortcomings and receive feedback on how we might behave in the future so that we could live in line with our core values.This process has freed us from the victimhood of resentment and given us hope for our futures! We now understand that there are certain things we can control and certain things we cannot control. When we focus on those things that we can control, namely our own beliefs and behaviors, we begin to see a shift in our lives.
When we came into ISA, many of us were so traumatized by the discovery of our partner’s compulsive sexual behavior and years of gaslighting and emotional abuse, that we didn’t trust ourselves, our intuition, our perceptions or anyone for that matter. If we didn’t know about the hidden behaviors of someone so close to us, how could we trust anyone, including God. How could He let us live in such a distorted reality for so long?? The shame we carried from our spouse’s behavior and our own shame for not knowing about the acting-out, lead us to have very little self-esteem, self-confidence or trust in ourselves to provide the safety we needed. Step Four gave us the clarity and hope for the changes we needed to make in our lives.
As we work Step Ten, we practice looking at our beliefs and behaviors daily, which helps us to change the habits we became accustomed to when we were in trauma in early recovery or before. Step Ten gives us the ability to see our shortcomings in the moment or shortly thereafter, when before we may have been totally unaware that our behavior may be contributing to our chaos and confusion. We can more quickly do a turnaround, amend our behavior, and once again experience peace. As we do this, we are discarding all our unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve us and held us back from releasing our resentments, forgiving others, and caring for ourselves. We are now free to be our authentic selves, living in integrity, authenticity, and embracing our core values. This is where we learn that our Higher Power will guide us, we begin to trust ourselves, and we grow in self-esteem and self-confidence because we have learned how to take care of ourselves. As we practice this daily habit of self-examination, we become more able to make good decisions for ourselves, become more relational with others, and grow stronger in our strengths and character assets. Steps Six and Seven helped us label the beliefs and behaviors, surrendering them to God. Steps Eight and Nine repaired the ruptures we created in our relationships when we were living in the fog of addiction or the trauma of betrayal. We have asked our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings and now we do the necessary footwork! “We pray as if everything depended on God and work as if everything depended on us!”
Recap:
UNCOVER: the unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that enslaved us, causing unmanageability and chaos
DISCOVER: we are not alone and we were safety-seeking in unsafe situations when we engaged in these behaviors; there are new and healthier ways to deal with these situations
DISCARD: all the unhealthy beliefs and behaviors to free us up to be able to forgive, to become responsible for our own physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, and experience serenity in our lives
EMBRACE: our true authentic selves, becoming the best version of ourselves*The fulfillment of Step Ten is listed in the 12 Gifts of ISA (similar to the Promises of AA); it corresponds with Gift 10: A healthy sense of fear will guide us in unsafe situations, we will learn to trust our intuition, and our self-confidence will grow.
I want to encourage you all to reap the rewards of this program by doing a daily inventory, whether it be detailed inventory of your day, or at least a few moments in your daily reflection time. The program works, if you work it!
Happy are the pure in heart. – Matt 5:8
So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! – 1 Cor 10:12
Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. – Lamentations 3:40
Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. – Matthew 5:23-24
I forgot some of my favorite Bible quotes for this Step!
Step 2 Hope:
For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. – Jeremiah 29:11Step 2 Restore:
He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, [for] the old order has passed away.” The one who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” Then he said, “Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:4-5Step 3 Faith:
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, on your own intelligence do not rely; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6Step 3 Surrender:
I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship. – Romans 12:1Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level. Psalm 143:10
ISA STEP THREE: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Higher Power of our own understanding.”
I had tried for several years prior to the discovery of infidelity/ sex addiction to find a couple’s therapist whom I felt comfortable and safe with. My husband’s abusive, controlling and unpredictable behavior had been declining for quite some time. I had searched out my part over and over again, never succeeding in being able to convince him that things at home were “normal” for homeschooling and it was normal for me to be exhausted at this stage in life. He disagreed and blamed me for the decline in our relationship, always complaining that I was too tired to be available for him emotionally, physically and sexually. It was all my fault. Each therapist that I researched, and we visited, ended up siding with my husband in agreement that I was the problem: I had anxiety and needed medication, or I should be able to wind down from the day with him, giving him a back scratch and listening to him dump all of his stress from the day on me without anything in return. He abdicated the child-rearing, discipline, education finances, household responsibilities to me while he traveled out of town on business. Then did nothing to help when he came home but expected me to be at his beck and call. He had sucked me dry of everything and was still complaining that I couldn’t give him enough. I was at my wit’s end when the discovery of infidelity happened. I was utterly aghast! Blindsided, disbelief, rage, immense pain, and anguish…I just couldn’t bear it!
You see, in my rigid religious family growing up, there was no such thing as a loving Higher Power. There were rules and rituals to follow, and if we screwed up, we were in trouble. We had a belief in God (confusing that with faith) but had to do everything else on our own (control the outcome) according to our beliefs in what WE thought our God would approve of. Control instead of faith.
The pain and trauma caused by the discovery of sexual betrayal caused my safety-seeking behavior to consist of tracking my husband, breaking into and reading texts and emails, checking bank accounts, and stealing my husband’s phone when he passed out from drunkenness to download and read deleted messages. I spent countless hours poring over his information while at the same time, neglecting myself and my children, whom I was supposed to be homeschooling. I got physically sicker and sicker. My default childhood God had kicked in and I found myself trying desperately to get every detail of his acting out on my own! If I could get the info, I could figure out was had gone wrong, and what my part in it was so that I could fix it. Then I would be able to fix the relationship and the mess I had found myself in. I was in full-blown control mode. The more I found, the worse I felt. Eventually, my husband bottomed out for the first time and ended up in treatment for alcohol. Not having come up with any solutions in my quest to control the outcome, I finally begged my Higher Power for help. I told Him I would surrender to whatever He placed in my path because all my past attempts were futile and only enraged my husband. I called his therapist at the treatment facility and requested a referral for a couples’ counselor specializing in addiction. When I was given a CSAT therapist (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist), I was confused. I knew nothing about sex addiction! When she referred me to her “Partners of Sex Addicts group therapy,” I was at a loss for words, but I followed the recommendation because I had surrendered to my Higher Power. Nothing I had tried worked…I had nothing left to lose.
I joined ISA and the world of recovery from betrayal trauma opened up to me…a whole world I had known nothing about and couldn’t have found on my own at that time. My Higher Power had stepped in when I surrendered in faith to something I could not see! I was given a way out, hope for a better life, and many compassionate wise sisters to walk this journey with! For that, I am truly grateful!
ISA STEP TWO “Came to believe that a loving Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
When I entered ISA (Infidelity Survivors Anonymous), not only was I devastated, confused, and angry at my husband, in an immense amount of pain, but I was also very angry at God! I felt like He had let me down and abandoned me when I needed Him the most! I had developed a personal relationship with God over the years I had previously spent in AA, Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery and SIA.
I grew up in a very rigid religious home. It was abusive on many levels: physical, sexual, verbal and spiritual. I grew up with a lot of fear of the outside world but also fear within my own home. I never knew why I distrusted others, was timid, and just wanted to melt into the walls and disappear. Alcohol became my friend as a teen and helped me come out of my shell. This developed quickly into an addiction that would eventually, two years into my marriage, lead me to seek recovery.
As a child, I learned that there was a God that was punishing and vengeful, looking for the slightest thing to punish me for. My sponsor in early recovery had me explore my ideas of the God of my understanding. How did I picture Him? What was He like? What qualities did He have, good and bad? How would I describe my father and his characteristics, good and bad? As I began a side-by-side comparison of my father and my God, it became very clear that they were identical: I was terrified of both, afraid of criticism or punishment, no mercy for mistakes, no second chances, no love, only judgment! This insight helped me to consider what qualities I thought a Higher Power should have and what qualities I would like my God to have. That was the beginning of the opening of my heart, my mind, my eyes, and my ears! Slowly, I noticed at Mass during the homilies, I was no longer hearing hell, fire, and damnation, but I was hearing love, mercy, and hope. The priests and their homilies hadn’t changed, but my perception had! This little bit of open-mindedness had given me hope that maybe there was a loving Higher Power who could help me instead of condemning me. “For God is the one who, for his good purpose, works in you both to desire and to work.” Philippians 2:13I had begun to trust through the grace and mercy of God. My husband was the one closest to me and I gave him unconditional trust. I knew he loved me and would never hurt me. So, when the discovery of infidelity hit, the rug was pulled out from under me! I was completely blindsided and traumatized! In complete disbelief, I turned on God! “How could you?” “Why have you let me down?” “I have worked so hard in recovery; I don’t deserve this!” In other programs, I had heard it said, “God hasn’t brought you this far to drop you now!” So I clung to this promise: “I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
I spent a day at a healing workshop one afternoon while my husband was in treatment for his sex addiction. As I walked outside to get a breath of fresh air, I looked across the street and saw a pile of rubble, concrete and rebar where they had demolished a building and were ripping up the foundation. In that moment, the Lord spoke to my heart saying, “Your marital foundation was faulty from the beginning. I am tearing it up to rebuild and make it new.” Powerful! From then on, I began to see what was happening in my marriage and with my husband in a new light. God did know what he was doing and I had to trust Him. “Guide me by your fidelity and teach me, for you are God my savior, for you I wait all the day long.” Psalm 25:5This new openness to allowing my God, my Higher Power, into my life again gave me the hope I needed to release the grasp of control I had on my life to restore my own safety and stability. Now I had to be willing to allow Him to restore me to sanity since all I had done had not worked!
@Erin C – I love the satirical article…it rings so true to me and I’d be happy to participate in a discussion on this!
AMY G – Kathy thank you for sharing your story and instilling hope! I’m currently at step 1. I know I need to be in a support group though I’m still a little discombobulated with what this is all about and what recovery will look like for me… and how exactly God wants me personally to work through the 12 steps. I know I have unhealthy attachments in my own life but originally I felt my need is more to do with recovering from betrayal trauma. I’m aware of how much I don’t know and that is quite scary! I just want to make the right choices. Praying for clarity and guidance. I’m just wondering is there a particular type of person/situation that S-Anon works best for and another type of person/situation that ISA works better for, or is it merely a matter of preference?
REPLYING TO AMY G (from Step 1 thread) – Great question! From my experience in both programs, S-Anon (and COSA) are both built on the old model of co-addiction/codependency: because the spouse of a sex addict is in a relationship with a sex addict, they are codependent (a co-addict) and probably enabled the addiction in some form or fashion. It is encouraged to stay on your own side of the street and let the addict choose his own recovery, not to try and control it, and focus on yourself. This may be true for some spouses and if this is the case, this program may be very well suited for you.
However, new research has shown that spouses of sex/lust/porn addicts are often completely unaware of the addiction until discovery and thrown into such trauma that their behavior mimics that of co-dependency. Betrayal trauma symptoms and codependency symptoms are almost identical in nature so many spouses are re-traumatized by a therapist when they are accused of being a co-addict or codependent.
This is where ISA (isurvivors.org) comes in. It is built as a trauma model rather than a co-addict model). It is also a 12-Step program like S-anon and COSA (very new in existence – 2011), but its focus is recognizing and healing from betrayal trauma before attempting to work the 12 Steps. It offers a Tools workshop early in recovery with 12 Tools to help lessen the effects of trauma. Once the trauma has lessened greatly, completed a disclosure or anything else that may be therapeutically necessary for the paricular situation, then it is recommended to start working the 12 Steps. ISA does recommend focusing on your own recovery (like S-anon) but takes it a step further: what are my wants and needs in the relationship and how do I make appropriate requests around them? These requests are boundaries and are a very prominent Tool of ISA. It is important for the spouse to cross over the street and make requests in regard to the addict’s recovery plan that will make her feel safe and begin rebuilding trust. The ISA program is filling the void which existed before when all partners/spouses of sex addicts were labeled as codependents. (*Many S-anon groups have started adapting this idea of trauma being the underlying issue as well…not all groups are equal.) Find a group that works for you!
For myself, I was definitely in trauma, and trying to find safety in an unsafe situation may have looked like I was trying to control my husband or the situation (being codependent), but I was not! I was in extreme trauma, having NO idea of the hidden addiction in our home, trying to turn my world back right-side-up since it had just been dumped upside-down!I hope this helps and encourage anyone else with experience in these programs to reply as well.
@Amy G – I’ll answer this question in the thread FAMILY ADDICTION > SPOUSES OF LUST ADDICTS
Hi everyone! I know it may take you all some time to get a virtual or in-person workbook meeting together. In the meantime, I am posting my own reflections in the forum under each of the 12 Steps. I will do one Step a month, I posted in the Step 1 forum for January already and will continue each month with the next Step through the end of the year. I was hoping people with longer-term sobriety (or not) would join me in this effort to show newcomers how to incorporate their individual programs with CIR. Each person would write according to their own specific addiction, trauma or issue to give a well-rounded perspective of how the 12 Steps can be applied in all areas and integrated with our faith.
I just posted under the STEP ONE forum, sharing from a betrayed partner’s perspective if anyone wants to take a look. I had a busy holiday and am hoping to get back to this meeting next Tuesday. I’m running a Step Study every other Tuesday night so I should be able to make it twice a month to this meeting!
Hello and Happy New year to everyone!
I will be posting a write-up on one of the 12 Steps each month this year. I will be doing it from the perspective of a betrayed partner of a sex addict. I will first write out the Step according to the 12-Step program I am working (ISA – Infidelity Survivors Anonymous). I would like to ask others to join me in this endeavor by posting their own Step each month and their reflections on it. This will be a great resource for others joining CIR+ and how we can join our respective 12-Step Programs with our Catholic faith when working the Steps.
My ISA STEP ONE reads: “We acknowledged our powerlessness over other people’s sexual behavior – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
The two principles that stand out to me are “acceptance” that I am powerless and “honesty” about the unmanageability of my life. If I cannot accept that I am powerless to change my husband’s behavior, I will continue to try to control it, making things worse. If I cannot accept that I have been traumatized through no fault of my own, I will continue trying to run my life as if I were not sick, running myself into the ground. If I am not honest about how unmanageable my life has become from the discovery of sexual betrayal, I cannot make different healthy choices to help my brain come back online.
When I first came into ISA, my trauma was so great that I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, lost weight to the point that I weighed under 100 lbs and my hair was falling out in clumps. I was in complete shock that I had no idea that my husband had been sexually acting out for years. I admitted and accepted my powerlessness over this discovery of infidelity and the effects it had on me. But before I got to acceptance, I played private investigator, looking through his phone, emails, and tracking him. I was told that this was normal in the beginning because I was seeking safety in an unsafe situation and did not have any tools to combat the gaslighting that had been going on in my home. It made me feel crazy. I didn’t know what reality was and what was a lie. I felt my whole married life was a lie. Because of the confusion, shock and trauma, I spent many hours trying to figure out what, how and why this could have happened. As a result, I neglected my health, my children and everything. My kids cooked their own meals and homeschooled themselves while mom spent many hours on the phone, investigating, going to therapy, meetings and our home fell apart. Once I realized that there were no answers that would satisfy me, because there is no rationale for an addict’s behavior, I admitted and got honest about how unmanageable my life had become. The beauty of Step One is that the burden of fixing myself, my trauma, and my husband was lifted from me with the acceptance of powerlessness. When I got honest about the choices I had made in my traumatized state of mind that resulted in my life becoming unmanageable, I was able to learn good self-care: always have a protein shake in case I can’t keep food down, went to the doctor to get something to help with sleeping, learned how to destress using Catholic Mindfulness, and to exercise (take a short walk) when I could. These choices helped my brain function again. I learned to set boundaries with my husband, how to make requests and agreements. This helped in the recovery process immensely! And I learned to always listen to my Higher Power, Jesus Christ, when He tells me to act! You see, He revealed to me some months before joining ISA, when my husband’s drinking was spiraling, that I should take my 5 kids and leave him, drive from Houston, TX to Spokane, WA to live with my parents. He never put the DIVORCE word in my head, just to leave. I personally thought it was over-the-top to leave him but had no idea what else to do. I had asked God for direction. No matter who I turned to, priest, sponsor, or spiritual director, I was given the green light. Looking back in hindsight, I don’t know that I would have ever found out about the sexual betrayal and had a full therapeutic disclosure had I not left my husband for a time. Thank God it never came to a divorce…yet. I keep in mind that this is a one-day-at-a-time program. God knew what it would take – me leaving him, two stents in rehab, for my husband to finally surrender and turn his life around! Today I am grateful for his recovery and my 12-Step programs!Yes, Erin, I’d be happy to! I’m awaiting the email reply to join the Tuesday meeting. Are the things I listed above some of the topics covered in the Spouses’ meeting?
As a spouse of a lust addict (sex addict), I experienced extreme betrayal trauma or PTSD as a result of discovering my husband of 15 years had been leading a secret double life unbeknownst to me. I have now been in recovery for this specific issue for about 6 years and am grateful to have learned that my reactions were not codependency or co-addiction, but infidelity-induced betrayal trauma. I have learned how proper self-care can help bring my brain back online when I am triggered and to set boundaries that help keep me safe. Working the 12 Steps around these issues were so helpful in forgiving myself for not knowing and for the damage done to my children during the years of early recovery. Knowing my own values, what I want and need in a relationship, and being able to express these things to my spouse has helped our couple recovery. There is help and there is hope!
