Step 10

[Paul]

Welcome!

[Kathy G]

STEP TEN of ISA (Infidelity Survivors Anonymous): Continued to take personal inventory. When we were wrong, we promptly admitted it.

Step Ten is the Step in which our transformation takes place! How exciting! Assessing our attitudes and actions, our beliefs and behaviors on a regular/daily basis is the tool and the Step that can help us grow into the best version of ourselves.

UNCOVER, DISCOVER AND DISCARD – a popular phrase from 12-Step groups
In Step Four, we became aware of our internal beliefs and our external reactions to the traumatic discovery of our primary partner’s compulsive sexual behavior. We uncovered the unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that had contributed to our lives becoming unmanageable. For most of us, that was a heavy Step to process because it meant looking at the parts of us that we felt a lot of guilt, shame, remorse, or regret over.

We discovered that there was reason for our safety-seeking behavior, that it had been a result of our betrayal trauma; we were seeking safety in unsafe situations. Sharing it with other safe people in ISA helped us come up out of our shame, realizing we were not the only one who had acted in such ways. It also meant releasing those beliefs and attitudes that did not belong to us. If we took on shame for our partner’s behavior and/or addiction, we were able to recognize that it was not our responsibility and let go of it.
This self-awareness that was brought forth in our inventories was the foundation for change within ourselves and our situations. Not only did we develop the humility to see ourselves for who we really were or had become, but we were able to practice self-compassion when we felt like we should judge ourselves harshly. We became vulnerable enough to share these shortcomings and receive feedback on how we might behave in the future so that we could live in line with our core values.

This process has freed us from the victimhood of resentment and given us hope for our futures! We now understand that there are certain things we can control and certain things we cannot control. When we focus on those things that we can control, namely our own beliefs and behaviors, we begin to see a shift in our lives.

When we came into ISA, many of us were so traumatized by the discovery of our partner’s compulsive sexual behavior and years of gaslighting and emotional abuse, that we didn’t trust ourselves, our intuition, our perceptions or anyone for that matter. If we didn’t know about the hidden behaviors of someone so close to us, how could we trust anyone, including God. How could He let us live in such a distorted reality for so long?? The shame we carried from our spouse’s behavior and our own shame for not knowing about the acting-out, lead us to have very little self-esteem, self-confidence or trust in ourselves to provide the safety we needed. Step Four gave us the clarity and hope for the changes we needed to make in our lives.

As we work Step Ten, we practice looking at our beliefs and behaviors daily, which helps us to change the habits we became accustomed to when we were in trauma in early recovery or before. Step Ten gives us the ability to see our shortcomings in the moment or shortly thereafter, when before we may have been totally unaware that our behavior may be contributing to our chaos and confusion. We can more quickly do a turnaround, amend our behavior, and once again experience peace. As we do this, we are discarding all our unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve us and held us back from releasing our resentments, forgiving others, and caring for ourselves. We are now free to be our authentic selves, living in integrity, authenticity, and embracing our core values. This is where we learn that our Higher Power will guide us, we begin to trust ourselves, and we grow in self-esteem and self-confidence because we have learned how to take care of ourselves. As we practice this daily habit of self-examination, we become more able to make good decisions for ourselves, become more relational with others, and grow stronger in our strengths and character assets. Steps Six and Seven helped us label the beliefs and behaviors, surrendering them to God. Steps Eight and Nine repaired the ruptures we created in our relationships when we were living in the fog of addiction or the trauma of betrayal. We have asked our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings and now we do the necessary footwork! “We pray as if everything depended on God and work as if everything depended on us!”
Recap:
UNCOVER: the unhealthy beliefs and behaviors that enslaved us, causing unmanageability and chaos
DISCOVER: we are not alone and we were safety-seeking in unsafe situations when we engaged in these behaviors; there are new and healthier ways to deal with these situations
DISCARD: all the unhealthy beliefs and behaviors to free us up to be able to forgive, to become responsible for our own physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, and experience serenity in our lives
EMBRACE: our true authentic selves, becoming the best version of ourselves

*The fulfillment of Step Ten is listed in the 12 Gifts of ISA (similar to the Promises of AA); it corresponds with Gift 10: A healthy sense of fear will guide us in unsafe situations, we will learn to trust our intuition, and our self-confidence will grow.

I want to encourage you all to reap the rewards of this program by doing a daily inventory, whether it be detailed inventory of your day, or at least a few moments in your daily reflection time. The program works, if you work it!

Happy are the pure in heart. – Matt 5:8

So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! – 1 Cor 10:12

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. – Lamentations 3:40

Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. – Matthew 5:23-24

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