Self-Honesty

[Kathy G]

HONESTY (with self) – Step One says, “We acknowledged our powerlessness over other people’s sexual behavior – that our lives had become unmanageable.” From the discovery and disclosure of infidelity and sex addiction, I was thrust into extreme betrayal trauma. I realized that it was likely that my whole marriage had been a sham. I could not make sense of it; I didn’t know what was real and what was a lie! Nothing made sense and nothing felt safe. As a result, I began the insatiable search for more information that I believed would help me make sense of a situation that there was no reasonable explanation. Addiction is not rational. But my brain had been hijacked by the trauma and it needed safety for survival. This drive to seek safety lead me to spend countless hours and days neglecting my health and my children to search for the “Why?” the “What was he doing?” and the “How could he?” As I looked at Step One, my first thought was, “My life is not unmanageable! I’ve been running the household and taking care of the children for years with little assistance. HE’S the one who’s destroyed our family and made life unmanageable!” And all of this may be true, but if it’s his fault and I can no longer fix or control him, how can I start to manage my life better without him changing? I also felt a lot of shame around the fact that I couldn’t keep it all together, shame that I was married to an addict, and what that might say about me. If I don’t admit my life is unmanageable, then he’s to blame, I’m off the hook and don’t have to feel the pain of my own behaviors. The sneaky thing about denial is that if I don’t know or admit something might be wrong with me or my actions, I can continue to blame someone else for my troubles, avoiding responsibility and therefore don’t have to look at changing myself! The freedom found in self-honesty is that if I have a part in it, I have a part in the solution! It is painful to acknowledge that I may have neglected my duties to myself and my children during the early phases of recovery due to the trauma I was experiencing. To be honest with myself and admit this, means that maybe I was not the mother, wife, or person I always strove to be. “Am I a bad mom? Did I damage my kids? What about all the years I did everything? Did I harm and neglect myself? Was I a bad wife? Did I cause the infidelity because I was too busy?” These were all questions that I had to look at as painful as they were. But without honesty with myself about how unmanageable my life had become, there was no possibility of change. I came to realize that I could not control the past infidelities nor was I the cause of his sex addiction. My reactions were normal given the circumstances and I was NOT crazy! However, there were negative consequences of my floundering around in trauma looking for answers: my house was in disarray, my health was suffering, and my children had no emotional support from either me or their dad to name a few. Getting to this point of realization that I could admit life was unmanageable, was the beginning of a positive change in my situation. To be able to say out loud that I thought maybe I had been a bad mom, and hear others say they felt the same, was a relief to hear that I wasn’t the only one struggling with these thoughts of inadequacy, as a mother, a wife, or friend. It also helped me to clarify that just because I had acted in ways that were not necessarily in my control because of the trauma, I was not a bad mom! It didn’t mean I didn’t have to make amends to myself or my kids, but that I was not intentionally hurting anyone! This honesty and openness gave way to making changes in my life that have led to healing and reconciliation with others. This is wouldn’t have been possible without being honest with myself about the unmanageability of my life.
Therefore, putting away falsehood, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Ephesians 4:25

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