AMY G – Kathy thank you for sharing your story and instilling hope! I’m currently at step 1. I know I need to be in a support group though I’m still a little discombobulated with what this is all about and what recovery will look like for me… and how exactly God wants me personally to work through the 12 steps. I know I have unhealthy attachments in my own life but originally I felt my need is more to do with recovering from betrayal trauma. I’m aware of how much I don’t know and that is quite scary! I just want to make the right choices. Praying for clarity and guidance. I’m just wondering is there a particular type of person/situation that S-Anon works best for and another type of person/situation that ISA works better for, or is it merely a matter of preference?
REPLYING TO AMY G (from Step 1 thread) – Great question! From my experience in both programs, S-Anon (and COSA) are both built on the old model of co-addiction/codependency: because the spouse of a sex addict is in a relationship with a sex addict, they are codependent (a co-addict) and probably enabled the addiction in some form or fashion. It is encouraged to stay on your own side of the street and let the addict choose his own recovery, not to try and control it, and focus on yourself. This may be true for some spouses and if this is the case, this program may be very well suited for you.
However, new research has shown that spouses of sex/lust/porn addicts are often completely unaware of the addiction until discovery and thrown into such trauma that their behavior mimics that of co-dependency. Betrayal trauma symptoms and codependency symptoms are almost identical in nature so many spouses are re-traumatized by a therapist when they are accused of being a co-addict or codependent.
This is where ISA (isurvivors.org) comes in. It is built as a trauma model rather than a co-addict model). It is also a 12-Step program like S-anon and COSA (very new in existence – 2011), but its focus is recognizing and healing from betrayal trauma before attempting to work the 12 Steps. It offers a Tools workshop early in recovery with 12 Tools to help lessen the effects of trauma. Once the trauma has lessened greatly, completed a disclosure or anything else that may be therapeutically necessary for the paricular situation, then it is recommended to start working the 12 Steps. ISA does recommend focusing on your own recovery (like S-anon) but takes it a step further: what are my wants and needs in the relationship and how do I make appropriate requests around them? These requests are boundaries and are a very prominent Tool of ISA. It is important for the spouse to cross over the street and make requests in regard to the addict’s recovery plan that will make her feel safe and begin rebuilding trust. The ISA program is filling the void which existed before when all partners/spouses of sex addicts were labeled as codependents. (*Many S-anon groups have started adapting this idea of trauma being the underlying issue as well…not all groups are equal.) Find a group that works for you!
For myself, I was definitely in trauma, and trying to find safety in an unsafe situation may have looked like I was trying to control my husband or the situation (being codependent), but I was not! I was in extreme trauma, having NO idea of the hidden addiction in our home, trying to turn my world back right-side-up since it had just been dumped upside-down!
I hope this helps and encourage anyone else with experience in these programs to reply as well.
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