Powerlessness was not a word that I would use to describe myself. I was in complete control of my life and what I did. Yet every attempt to stop my “bad habits” failed. I sank deeper into my sin/disease, trying to figure out why I felt so lifeless, depressed, and out of sorts. I would be exhausted by 2:30 in the afternoon and sleep till 5:00. The process would start at 9:00ish until late at night.
During my worst period of addiction, I did not realize I was powerless. I did know nothing could break the obsession I was in to get my fix. Hours passed by, but it felt like seconds.
The double life I was living took its toll. I was growing weaker as the days turned into months passed. I began losing my sense of self. Who was I? I was submissive to the power of my addictions. I lied to everyone. At the drop of a hat, I would become enraged. I made many amends because of my behavior.
I was powerless against my addiction. I do not remember blocks of time. My addiction was pornography; I overdosed on dopamine and other chemicals produced by the brain as if I snorted cocaine. I became a slave to my vises.
I can talk about it today because I have found healing and power in telling my story. I am no longer a victim of my sin disease because I chose to face it head-on and beat the addiction that caused so much harm to my family and me.
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